After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
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Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.