[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
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Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Never ghost your hitman.
she has a point
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.