[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
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Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.