age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
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[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
When I laugh on my period
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
huge if true: the moon
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games