Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
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I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Breaking news:
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.