Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
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All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Uh oh…
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Me, in DM rooms…
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.