Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
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i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.