(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
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[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.