age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
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[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
“What movie?” 🤔