I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
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wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.