Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
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my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.