It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
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Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
#StillHurts
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
The three genders
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!