“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
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Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Best mom ever 😂
I finally found a reason to live again.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Something Saturday.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Thursday Thought.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?