WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
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Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics