Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
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Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
I am HOWLING at this
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.