Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
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[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Human are so complicated
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.