Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
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Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
dads on road-trips be like
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
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hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.