Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
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I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
When I laugh on my period
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Breaking news:
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing