[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
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The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why