Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
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Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”