nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
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We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
I hope they boil the right one.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
I love wikipedia
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.