My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
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My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.