Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
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This is my bus stop.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
I want to meet the individual who made this
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did