how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
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replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
I want to meet the individual who made this
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
ready to be harvested