90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
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BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
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“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything