[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
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My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Personal question. #JustSaying
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal