[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
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He is just living hist best little life 😊
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Saturday
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils