[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
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Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Schrödinger’s cookie
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.