Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
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Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Breaking news:
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Monday Lisa
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.