I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
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celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course