Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
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Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Best mom ever 😂
Every haunted house movie:
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.