Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
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Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting