Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
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This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]