Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
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Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
he was correct
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Not messing around