Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
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Sunday
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin