Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
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What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
marvel comics have peaked
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.