ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
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I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
thinking about a very short hotdog
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler