ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
You Might Also Like
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.