@donjuantip: ALCOHOL. Because no one looks back on their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.
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@TheToddWilliams: Dentist: How often do you floss? Dracula: Every day Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood. Dracula: Oh...I mean never. I never floss.
@thenatewolf: Mechanic: you need a new carburetor Me: you can call it a buretor, I know lots about cars, I'm like you
@notxzibit: Google search history: Marawana Marjawana Is there a j in marawana Wheat Wheat for smoking Free wheet
@Brentweets: "Fluffy died today" "Oh my god I'm so sorry, was he a cat or dog? "He was a boa constrictor" "Well that made me feel better"