@donjuantip: ALCOHOL. Because no one looks back on their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.
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@DjJazzyJeffro: A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
@Dutch_50: "More than 1 way to skin a cat" - "Killing 2 birds with 1 stone" - Running like a chicken with its head cut off" -- who ARE we???
@TySmithdrums: Imagine a drunk porcupine trying to sneak into bed without waking his porcupine wife but his porcupine wife put balloons everywhere.
@ohpeetie: Cop: "Can you describe the person who robbed you?" Me: "He had on a black shirt and hat with a green apron and charged me $6 for coffee"