[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
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Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
saw this in a dream
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
🤣🤣🤣
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Ugh
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*