@donjuantip: ALCOHOL. Because no one looks back on their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.
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@findmydolls: It's cute that kids think they're safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: You only half-listen to me. You're in a boatload of trouble. Me: Yes, let's buy a boat.
@paulablu22: Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn't going to make me type any faster.
@CornOnTheGoblin: "someone broke into your room... and peed on you while you were asleep" me: that's right, officer