It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
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If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Hotels are back
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
HELP 😭
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house