[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
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Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script