Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
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*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
blocked.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.