@andypatton: Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
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@jlock17: I've stopped texting "K" and started texting "L" instead so I don't have to reach so far over with my thumb.
@Reverend_Scott: Is athlete's foot [gulp] fatal, doc? "Not with the proper treatment." *gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
@Papa_Mex: 8:00am on a Saturday morning and my neighbor was mowing his lawn. Now he looks really funny covered in paint balls
@DanMentos: *sees cute girl on sidewalk* nice *she makes eye contact* oh wow *she smiles* is this happening *she’s holding a clipboard* god dammit