Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
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Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .