Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
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What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Alexa; make it look like an accident