@DrunkMrWonka: Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
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@AsgardianRose: Life can be compared to a 'Choose your own adventure' book. Sometimes there's a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
@TheMichaelRock: Oh, did my tweet insulting a celebrity upset you? Maybe you should tell them about it the next time you guys hang out.
@kyry5: [Girl's night out] Girl 1: Omg I haven't had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there Spider-Man's GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
@DanMentos: "Hi I'm looking for a birthday card for my mom's sister" *hands you an extremely small card* "WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS" Yes "Perfect"