“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
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Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.