@1evilidiot: Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won't kill all of them.
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@ThRealBallsDeep: <at a baptism> *leans over* Me:What's the WiFi password? Him:Jesus Christ, dude! Me:That makes sense....is it case sensitive?
@GrabTheWEness: When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700. Did I spell something wrong?
@Wine_Honey1: Questioning me about stupid things like why there’s a wine cork floating in the toilet is why I don't invite people to my house.
@ObscureGent: Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name Mary: um, that was probably...god Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff