@1evilidiot: Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won't kill all of them.
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@priya_ebooks: o yeah u love women??? name their last three albums. thought so. u don't listen to women
@bourgeoisalien: Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
@malcolmsparks: Kids are so inquisitive. "Will robots ever take over the world?" Me: "Almost certainly." "But when? Before I die?" "A bit before, yes."
@ConanOBrien: I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother's criticism for the first time.