Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
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Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.