Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
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I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.