Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
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My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Bloody internet 😳
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day