Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
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Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Me irl
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.