Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
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When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Has there ever been a more American story?
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Fries, not lies.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.